Creating

I’ve been creating all my life… creating order, creating systems, creating music in a choir, creating paintings, creating dances with partners, creating groups, creating strategies, creating safe spaces, creating… creating.

But I’ve been afraid to really step into my purpose and claim space as a CREATOR.

See, I grew up believing I didn’t have any innate worth. I had no value simply for being, simply for existing. My value was only created by DOING and the product I created… not by BEING. My value was created by fixing problems, making order out of chaos, caring for others.

Living within that understanding of myself and the world meant that the products of my work determined my worth in the world. Which meant that if I created inferior things… then I was inferior… then I had only as much worth as those inferior products. And when that happens, that’s a REALLY deep hole to climb out of!

One of the (many) post-it notes I have on my wall, this one paraphrased from Brené Brown, sums it up: “The fear of shame, of criticism, was so great I engineered smallness in my life. I did not take chances. It wasn’t worth it to step into my power and play BIG. I didn’t know if I could literally physically withstand the criticism.”

My journey in this lifetime is to undo that… to know in every fiber of my being that no matter how much I get done… or is left undone… no matter how wonderful… or how wanting is the product I create… at the end of the day I AM ENOUGH. I -AM- worthy!

A year and a half ago, in July 2019, for the first time in my life I felt in my core, in my being, that I -AM- worthy. I consider July my “worthy birthday.” The last year and a half has been the beginning of my journey of understanding how life could look differently with the belief that I -AM- worthy!

One of the things that change in belief means is that I can be a CREATOR. Because what I create is not a reflection on my innate worth… my innate value. I was already gifted that innate worth at birth and that cannot be taken away from me by what I do and what I create.

And that frees me up to be, and claim, the creator I was meant to be. And in creating, I fulfill my purpose in the world; I give gifts to myself and to the world. Sometimes what I create doesn’t work, sometimes it is a flop, sometimes it creates more work or problems… and sometimes, my corner of the world is a little better place because of what I create. And only by creating all of that, both the flops and the successes, can I fulfill my role as a creator.

So, with that in mind, I’m finally bringing this blog to life four and a half years after creating it. For the next three months, I’ll be posting on Mon, Wed and Sat. Some of them will be shitty first drafts… and some of them will be things of beauty. And none of them will change my own innate WORTH. But all of them will be things I have created and shared with the world. And maybe some of them will make the world a little better for someone besides myself.

With hope… and excitement… and love to all of you who chose to visit and share any part of my journey over these next three months. Perhaps something I post here will make the world a little better for someone who reads the words I post.